Wow...this is quite a change from your last post in which you said:
"You make him happier than I ever did, and I do want to see him happy. I see no good in being mad at you for it. I want to see us both happy."
Do you really?
That last post regarding the day of the divorce seemed rather high-minded about the whole business, as if you were ready to move forward with your life and wishing him well, but I'd call this a 180 degree turn into bitterness. The attitude you express in this post totally contradicts the idea that you want both of you to be happy. Is it that you are upset that he found happiness in the form of a relationship before you did? I know that it's tough to feel that way, but that's life, and it doesn't always feel fair.
Having been twice-divorced, I can speak with some authority on the subject. You have a choice to make right now, and that is to keep on track with moving forward and living your life in the way you see fit and what makes you happy, in a totally separate manner from him . Or you can try to keep your life tied to his, even indirectly, by attacking him like you did here. Take it from me, all that is going to do is keep you tied to the past and make you miserable - and eventually force those of us who know you both to re-evaluate why exactly we want to continue to expose ourselves to that sort of acrimony.
I do want to wish you well and it seemed to me that *maybe* you were moving on, having made the decision that being married didn't suit you and adjusting your life accordingly. I hope that you continue on that path and move forward with your life and let him move on peaceably with his.
I mean really, how do you get from wishing someone well to this? He's found happiness, and it wasn't with you. That happens in life. You wanted something different than he did, so it was best that you parted ways.
I'm in shock just reading this. I can't tell you to be well, it's just best that I say nothing at all.
Trase, dear. I realize you don't mean well, because if you did you'd not be starting livejournal drama. Please don't expect that you can, even remotely, determine how I'm feeling, or how I'm doing based on random lj entries that are weeks or months apart.
I am not bitter that he "found happiness in the form of a relationship before you did". I do wish him to be happy. One of the numerous reasons we were never able to see eye to eye was our mutually exclusive life goals. He wants a family and a house and a picket fence, which are all things I am not interested in. I do get a certain, shadenfroidic, glee that he's making bad decisions. It's the same glee I get from watching anyone make bad decisions, when they should know better. I think it the second least mature thing he has done, post break-up, to get pregnant. The least mature? Deciding to get married, after less than a year of dating (I'm sure they've been talking about this for a while). He's made that mistake before.
While I can't say, 100%, that the decision is a bad one, I can't think of anything that would make it a good one, and I know a pattern when I see one. I believe, whole heartedly, that he's fallen back into the pattern of behavior that lead to us getting married for not good reasons.
I have no way of knowing how well you know Dave. I know you weren't something I would consider close while Dave and I were married, so you only have what we've said publicly about our relationship. Dave has taken it upon himself to open up his heart, and his head, for the entire world to see. That means that anyone who's read it has complete access to his point of view, and his logics. You've been privy to those, and that's fine. You're allowed your point of view too. He's must have given you a reason and a right to expound on how your relationships and divorces are similar to ours.
I have not.
From the discussions I've had with Dave, and the people around him that he has trusted to talk to about his relationship with Nikki (my mother for one), I think it is possibly the strongest, and most healthy relationship he's ever been in. It's certainly stronger and healthier than ours was, for which I commend him. I'm not disputing that. I'm, quite simply, making fun of him. Just like I would any of my friends, or Palin, or Clinton, or John Denver, or the cookie monster, or anyone else I want to.
Just so we're clear: the things I have posted on livejournal cannot, even remotely, begin to encompass the oceans of feelings I have about our separation. I have posted some of the things I thought might be solid enough for Until I feel like a person, whole and stable, I will continue to avoid relationships, to avoid repeating my mistakes.
This post is me commenting on him repeating the cycle, instead of breaking free from it. Since this is my journal, which he no longer reads (although with the level of unnecessary drama this has reached, I'd be willing to bet he's heard about it), and this is a free country, I exercise my right to post freely.
I do wish him well. That doesn't mean, nor has it ever, that I have to silently stand by when I think he's making a mistake. I can make comments about him and his decisions whenever, and wherever I'd like. In whatever format. They don't mean that I'm a bitter old maid, or that I wish him ill. Promise.
I really only have one thing to say about this, especially since anipaschke has already done a good job of jumping to Benny's defense, and since Benny has weighed in on this issue.
The only thing I want to add is this: people feel different ways at different times, and often feel conflicting emotions at the same time. We're complicated. We can't help it, must be a design flaw. From my own experience, for the most part I'm good with my exes. I'm happy that they're in a good place, and I can see that it's good that we ended our relationships when we did. On bad days, I still feel hurt and betrayed, and have mad moments of glee when I hear of some new complication in their lives. On worse days, I miss them and wish I could fix the things that broke our relationships. Sometimes I even manage to experience all three at once, which is terribly awkward.
The thing is, those moments aren't a setback or a regression or a 180 or whatever. Not for me. They're part of how I'm dealing with the experience of being badly dumped. They're part of a normal (for me) range of emotions that come after an intense breakup. I'm not saying that this is exactly what Benny's going through; neither of us tend to write much about the extremes of our emotional swings, particularly not after our respective relationship meltdowns. I am saying that it's very possible for someone to be moving on and happy where they are, to make a post like this one, and have it not be a contradiction.
Based on your comments, I'm glad for you that your method of dealing with the emotional fallout from your divorces worked, and that you're happy and healthy, even though I don't think I've ever met you. However, I know that for me, that simple decision would not be as effective. Personally, I feel that when it comes to emotional responses to trauma - and divorce certainly counts - there are no black and white answers for dealing, and one person's method of success would be another's failure. I do think that this is part of Benny's method, and I don't think she needs to be reprimanded for not moving on because she has.
Of course, I'm not omniscient, so I could be talking out of my ass right here.
It's funny how everyone assumes the higher ground when someone else is in a situation they are not. If you're not close enough to someone to call them when they are clearly having an issue feel free to not say anything. Cause do you really think she doesn't know what she posted and what it looks like? God I am so sick of everyone being all self-righteous even when their own lives are a mess. So I'm going to rant about it here.
I'm happy for Dave. These are things he always wanted and I wish him the best. I think he'll be a good dad. I think that he and Nikki make their own grownup decisions and that's a good thing. I think it's absolutely foolish to assume Benny would not have an emotional reaction to hearing that Dave's fulfilling his dreams with someone else. And you can want someone to be happy with someone else, but still be hurt and still lash out. Which happens with people who are happily married.
So, )she said childishly) fuck your moral high ground.
Sorry Benny. It's just that I think people are fucking awful these days. Also I can't take my ire out on the one person I want to. So... my apologies. Delete if you wish=) You know what I'm like.